Today I ate a perfect 1200 calories. Well, according to The Daily Plate But still, I'm so happy! I was close to breaking point because I'm up so late tonight finishing up my apps, but this made it all worth it. I'll be skinny soon, so I don't even want to eat any other stupid food things that will clog my arteries with cholesterol and heap piles of fat on my body. I will be slim and I will be perfect.

Also, I weighed myself this morning, and I'm down five pounds from about a week ago!! It's actually working, I can't believe it. I'm now 142, and I can see my collarbones beginning to show :)

OKAY, FUCKING RESOLVE TO:

Be 118 pounds. Then, my BMI will be a perfect 18.5.

Right now I am so fat, not even going to bother weighing my fatass until I see a difference.

My b-day is in less than 4 days. All I want is to be 145. I know it's disgusting, don't even talk to me about it.

By the end of Jan, I want to be 135.

I want to reach my goal of 118 by the summer, when I go back to Europe, when I see my love again.

I will never be free and I will never completely surrender to it. It is a peculiar place to be, in limbo within oneself. I try to have dreams about it, but they are never remembered. I don't believe that some dreams are meant to be remembered, because perhaps what they mean is to significant to be analyzed. Regardless, I long for the strange clarity of mind dreaming brings. When I wake it rushes from me, sounding like waves. I grab, but miss, and the sand in the hourglass continues to fall, and I can hear it.

 Bad day. I had a shitload of food and sweet things at my friends house for brunch. On the upside, tech week for my school show starts tomorrow so ill barely be home. Yay! no annoying people (parents) pressuring me to do useless things like eating.